2026
January
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2026-01-04 I was getting an Uber the other day. The driver said,
"I love my job. I'm my own boss, and nobody tells me what to do." Then I said, "Turn left here."
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2026-01-03 I'll never again donate to people who collect money for marathons.
They just take my money and run.
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2026-01-02 My friend accused me of stealing his thesaurus...
Not only was I shocked, I was appalled, aghast, and dismayed.
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2026-01-01 My New Year's resolution -
is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so that I look skinnier.
2025
December
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2025-12-31 I quit the art class
It was a little too sketchy
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2025-12-30 I only seem to get sick on weekdays
I must have a weekend immune system.
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2025-12-29 My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
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2025-12-28 My friend thinks bartenders are boring,
but I find them intoxicating!
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2025-12-27 What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
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2025-12-26 Why don't you ever see Santa in a hospital?
Because he has private elf care.
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2025-12-25 Why did Mrs. Claus buy a lot of spices?
Because she heard Santa Claus is cumin to town.
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2025-12-24 What did Adam say on the 24th of December?
It's Christmas, Eve.
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2025-12-23 How do you wash your hands over the holiday?
With Santatizer
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2025-12-22 What did one snowman say to another?
"Do you smell carrots?"
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2025-12-21 What's a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing!
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2025-12-20 Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho ho ho!
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2025-12-19 Not to brag, but I made six figures last year.
I was also named the worst employee at the toy factory.
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2025-12-18 What do you call a broke Santa Claus?
Saint Nickle-Less!
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2025-12-17 We're renovating the house, and the first floor is going great,
but the second floor is another story.
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2025-12-16 I know a guy who collected candy canes.
They were all in mint condition!
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2025-12-15 What did the bald man say when he received a comb for a present?
"Thanks, I'll never part with it"
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2025-12-14 Do you know that crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most only have four!
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2025-12-13 What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsillitis!
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2025-12-12 What did the plate say to the napkin?
Dinner is on me!
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2025-12-11 What do you call an Elf who just won the lottery?
Welfy!
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2025-12-10 I was a bookeeper for 10 years.
The local librarians weren't too happy about it.
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2025-12-09 How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing! It was on the house!
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2025-12-08 Where should you go in the room if you're feeling cold?
The corner — it’s 90 degrees.